I feel like I shouldn't have struggled with it as much as I should have, considering the subject matter. It actually should have been quite easy.

It makes me realize that I'm probably going to have a lot of battles to fight in the next little while between the things that are good for my financial future versus keeping my soul bright and shiny.

Or as bright and shiny as possible, anyway.

K. It's late and I'm clearly punchy. G'night.

This is the first thing.

It was a year ago at the end of this month that I took a hiatus from personal training to focus on being pregnant, moving, and basically completely turning my life upside down.

In that year, I've done a lot of soul searching and examining of my own beliefs around fitness, health and body acceptance. I've read some really good books, watched my body swell with pregnancy and dealt with the aftermath of stretch marks and extra skin and omg this not-so-tiny pot belly that I suspect might be here for good. It's been a wild ride, quite honestly.

And now Izzy is 3 months old, and I'm dipping my toes into the shallow end of the workforce again. Since the universe has a sense of humour, it has decided that my first assignment is to write an article for a sports nutrition company. For extra irony, this sports nutrition company is actually part of my family holdings, which in a roundabout sort of way makes it *my* sports nutrition company.

I don't have a big problem with supplements. Although I think it's ideal (and more fun!) to get your nutrition from real food, I don't have an issue with supplementing if that's what you want to do, or if you feel like your body works better when you do.

Only I'm realizing it's way easier to write marketing type materials for anything fitness related when you're assuming that weight loss is part of the goal. And it happens so subtly, too. I'm writing away, and I realize that what I'm writing is not at all what I believe any more. So I erase it and start over.

And how does body acceptance mesh with wanting to have a fit, healthy body that does what you want it to? In my head, it's very clear. When I was training people, it seemed like a pretty easy distinction. Putting it down on paper is a lot harder, for some reason.

Hilariously, at this very moment I am eating Smarties.

This is the second thing.

I am fully, head-over-heels in love with my daughter. I am every cliched life insurance commercial, or baby formula ad. I sit here and stare at her, for hours. I am thrilled by everything she does.

But... I want to work, as in outside-of-the-house, not-connected-to-my-biology work. It's not that I don't think being a stay at home mom is a valid and wonderful choice, it is. It's not me, however, and every day that I stay home I feel like I'm losing a bit more of myself.

Only... I don't want to miss a second of this.

I've been leaving Iz at my mom's two mornings a week while I help B out at his office, and I seem to be fine with 9am to noon. If anything delays me longer than that, however, I can actually feel myself getting cranky and wound up, and needing to see her. When my mom opens the door with Iz in her arms, it all dissipates, and I'm immediately floating on a happy little cloud. When she rolled over yesterday, I was utterly thrilled -- but what if I had missed that? I would hate it. I would hate to pick her up and hear that she had her first word without me, or took her first step without me.

It's ridiculous. I mean, B goes to work every day. He's gonna miss out on a lot of this stuff, and I can't imagine he loves that. And it's not like I'm going to have her forever, either. I need things outside of her, so that as she grows up and needs me less I've got something to turn to.

Sigh.

I knew this was going to be a tough situation to reconcile, but I had no idea it was going to be this heartwrenching.

I don't know if I've mentioned this, but our new house has an indoor pool. This sounds more impressive than it is, and to be honest, I swore I'd never get into it under any circumstances because the whole tiny little room just creeps me out.

However, B was determined to get it going, and after many hours of hard work, swearing, handy-man mishaps, more swearing and general frustration, he finally called a plumber and now it's working. He's been doing well at getting down there pretty much every day after work and... not exactly swimming laps, because it's way too small for that, but swimming sort-of laps and generally splashing around with Lolo. This has been a lot easier for him to do since Lolo now walks in the door after daycare every day saying, "Brian. Swimming. Brian. Swimming. Brian. Swimming..." She then grabs his hand, marches him over to the stairs, and points. Insistantly. In case he didn't get the message with the "Brian. Swimming." monologue.

Yesterday, my back was hurting quite a bit, and B suggested several times that maybe getting into the pool would be helpful. I resisted, as I do, but eventually figured that it couldn't hurt and if it helped at all it was probably worth it. I went upstairs, put on my bathing suit, had a stern talk with myself about stretch marks being okay until I believed once again in my hotness, and went downstairs and got in the pool.

May I just say... Aaaaaaah. You all know how I hate to admit to anything approaching being wrong, or at least not totally right, but B totally called it. It was such a relief to be more or less weightless for a brief period of time. I didn't so much swim as bob around like a beachball, and laugh at Lolo's antics. My back relaxed, and I got some form of exercise (sort of), and the whole thing was just very therapeutic, mentally and physically. I think I'm gonna try to get down there with them at least a few times a week, as long as I can get over the "ick" factor of that room.

lil_p_jizzle is training her clients in a different way, and I love it.

Why Kate Harding rocks my casbah.

Specifically:

And can I just say, this is one of the many reasons why so many people, fat and thin, hate the fucking gym. It’s not because we’re too lazy or don’t like exercise; it’s because at so many gyms, the culture is all about punishing and depriving yourself, not moving for the joy and genuine health benefits — as opposed to appearance “benefits” — of it.

And this bit sums up a lot of how fitness professionals are taught to sell theirs services:

“So, do you have any particular… concerns?”

To her credit, when I said no and glared a little, she covered — asking specifically about injuries and whatnot, stuff she should know about as a teacher.

Me: Nope, thanks, I’m good.

Her: Okay, so you’re… healthy?

HINT HINT, FATTY!

Me: Yep. Thanks. BYE.

So. It’s my first class at a gym where I just signed a 12-month contract, and I have to listen to pro-dieting, anti-fat, anti-FOOD commentary throughout (there were more examples than the ones I gave), AND get an unsolicited pitch for “weight management” services before I’m allowed to hit the goddamned shower. AWESOME.



It's sort of embarrasing that I used to buy into that.

Dooce did a cleanse, and her experience was about as good as mine was a few years ago when I did one.

I have to say, increasingly I just have to roll my eyes every time someone talks about getting the "toxins" out of their system.

I GET taking a week or so and giving your digestive system a break by not eating a lot of red meat or rich food. No problem, especially if you've been ingesting a lot of those things of late -- we've all experienced the post-holiday effect of feeling bloated and like you would sell your own mother's kidney for the ability to have a bowel movement. I DON'T get the whole "let's eat like you have an eating disorder and pay a bunch of money for these herbs that make 'toxins' ooze out of every pore of your body" phenomenon. Your body is designed to deal with toxins... it's called the digestive system, and if you treat it well and get a reasonable amount of activity and liquids and get enough sleep, chances are it's going to do the job JUST FINE.

This is a Public Service Announcement brought to you by your local cranky personal trainer. For further information, ask me about what weight you "should" be, whether or not the Atkins Diet is a good idea, and how much you "should" work out every day.

Appropriately enough after my rant about Madonna's trainer a few days ago, I came across her starvation diet online a few minutes ago.

You are TOTALLY guaranteed to lose weight if you follow this diet. I can promise you that with no qualms whatsoever.

However, no one will want to be around you because you will be a raging, homicidal psychopath. Also you won't be able to function because your brain will stop working properly after approximately hour three. And you won't want to move, because you'll have no energy... which is probably a good thing, since you won't be able to follow through on the aforementioned homicidal tendencies.

But you WILL be thin and beautiful, so personality, brains and ability to function aren't really so important.

So, because I'm one of "those" fans, I read Madonnalicious a few times a week, and today they had an interview with her personal trainer, who's pushing some dance aerobics program she's developed. In the interview, she says this:

"My exercise philosophy is based on ten years of research I conducted to develop my own fitness method, which involves re-engineering the muscular structure to be tighter and then getting the skin as tight to the muscle as possible. The main principle of my method is the strategic sequences of choreography that I have designed to constantly target the accessory muscles and not overdevelop the large muscles."

In case anyone's wondering, when she says she's "re-engineering the muscle structure to be tighter" (I'm sure she spent some time developing that phrase) she wants you to hear that you're going to get super-defined muscles, but you WON'T, you definitely WON'T, get "big" and (gasp) unfeminine.

When she talks about "getting the skin as tight to the muscle as possible", she means doing cardio and decreasing your calorie intake until you have lost every ounce of body fat possible.

And the line about not overdeveloping the large muscles is another reassurance that there will be no growing or getting larger of any kind. No, your body will stay "thin and feminine." (Her phrase from another part of the interview.)

There are also several reassurances throughout the interview that she disagrees with a lot of what other trainers are pushing, that her system is new and different and the best, and it will make you look like Madonna.

Bullshit, I say.

What she's pushing are the same reassurances that (almost) every other trainer pushes. You must fit into this ideal to be desirable, to be perfect, to be feminine. THIS is what feminine looks like, and if you pay me I'll teach you how to get there. It is totally within your grasp, as long as you are dedicated enough/strong enough/rich enough/focused enough.

Don't get me wrong. From what I can see about what she's saying about her techniques, there's nothing wrong with them. She's talking about cross-training (doing varied types of exercise to hit different muscle groups) and this is a good thing and helps people get a more well-rounded workout, hitting different muscle groups and decreasing the chance of injury. What pisses me off is the language she's using to sell those techniques, and I get why she does it -- it works. I've done it too, in the past, although I think I'd choke on my own tongue before I did it now.

Also? Madonna exercises three hours a day. Maybe some call that dedication, but in real person terms, it's called obsession. She doesn't let herself have a day off, ever, and I suspect there's something inside driving her that that most of us wouldn't want to live with. As much as I more or less consider Madonna to be my lord and saviour, and I will buy her albums with the last penny in my bank account, I would not ever want to be her. In this one way, at least, I think I'm more evolved than she is -- I can live with myself the way I am, and not only like it, but be thrilled about it.

So if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the gym -- because it's good for me, because it's good for the baby, and because my body feels better when I move.

A lengthy, rambly post about body image, fat, familial relations and whatnot after the cut.

( Read more... )

ladykutenay posted about this interesting video game/bike thingie for kids that started a really fascinating discussion. It's Friends Only but she's unlocked it for a few days. Go read!

So I'm heading down to Bellingham this weekend with Ms. K, my yoga teacher T, and a friend of T's. T has kindly offered to take us through a yoga class while we're down there, so I dropped Ms. K a note to let her know. This morning I got this in response:

I LOVE IT! This is so kits girl. I'm going shopping with a trainer and a yoga teacher.. how vancouver! HA HA HA

Yes to driving

Yes to Yoga!

I'm sure our jedi shopping powers will be stronger with the centering of yoga.. we will find the sales, we will slaughter the innocents, blood will be spilled.

Can you tell she's originally from Texas?

Related to the recent discussions of fat vs fit, lil_p_jizzle talks about balance.

The recent discussion inspired me to go check out Joy Nash's site again. Enjoy.

Little discussion going on here about fat vs. fit... actually mainly resolved now, but y'all might find it interesting reading.

Awesome updated from client I haven't seen in a little while...

And to give you some up dates.. I have upped all my weights for the lat. Pull, the kick backs , the military raises and the one arm row… but some of those need to go up again, ..

My ball curls are up to 8 now .. and I’m getting lower on my squats…

And for my up date on monumental actions.. (like the travel mug on the train) , I can now put my socks on while standing up on one leg..(I have lean my shoulder on something) , I was forced to do this in the locker room , because I could not get to a bench to sit down on or put my foot on… Yeah …and today I noticed that for the first time in a very long time, I can sit on the floor and cross my legs .. (Indian chief style) . can’t tell you the last time I was able to do that… if I was in any situation that required me to sit on the floor , there was no way I could ever try to get comfortable without leaning against something !!

YouTube video on being fat. I think I like it. Thoughts?

"Fat is a descriptive physical characteristic. It's not an insult, or an obscenity, or a death sentence."

Who is this Joy Nash person?

I received a Hallmark e-card from a client 5 minutes ago...

I can't thank you enough for helping me to get started on the road of good health and fitness...I won't let you down. By the time I'm done you'll be able to use me in your "before and after" poster child work portfolio... heehee. I will be in touch soon for updating or if I feel myself slacking off. Super thanks again!!

I do love my job.

Client, 10 minutes ago: You're really chanelling Jane Fonda tonight, aren't you?

Me: Hey! Don't knock Jane. Just... don't.

I love my job.

Home from CanFitPro, and am as usual both overwhelmed and thoughtful.

From an educational perspective, I really find this conference to be beyond amazing. I am constantly humbled at how much there still is to learn, and that really, really motivates me.

The keynote address was given by Silken Laumann, and was completely inspirational. She's just... she's been there, and done it, you know?

The energy of the people there is incredible. I feel like I'm being fed in a very fundamental and powerful way.

But then, while waiting for Silken Laumann to speak, I had to watch the Zumba dancers. To sum it up, there's lots of hip thrusting and one woman wore silver go-go boots.

And the thing is, I'm not criticizing that! There is a place for that, and the whole concept of fitness being FUN is really important, and there are people who are going to flock to Zumba and will be healthier, happier people as a result.

It's just that for me, because I'm a) not a group fitness person and b) never, ever going to wear silver go-go boots, the spectacle of this type of thing is off-putting. It feels like it confirms all the stereotypes of the bubbly, brainless and overly perky aerobics instructor in leg warmers and a spandex thong. When I'm trying to bend my mind around complicated anatomical concepts or what kind of approach to take to chronic musculoskeletal pain, it feels like it minimizes everything I'm working really hard to achieve. And maybe that's just a sign of my own insecurities coming out. Or maybe it's a sign that I should be pursuing some other avenue of fitness. I don't know.

Perhaps this is just a test of my recent resolve to be less judgemental. Thank you, universe. And I mean that, both with sincerity and a certain amount of sarcasm, if that's possible.

CanFitPro madness... complete! *Sigh*

My final workshop today was on spinal instability (interesting stuff, believe it or not, and tied in unexpectedly with another workshop I took yesterday on anatomical design), after which I made haste to meet the amazing and wonderful cyn and her man to attend the South Asian Food Festival. One word: Yum. Also, Cyn and man are exceptionally fabulous in every way.

My Toronto host is out of town for the night, and I don't leave until tomorrow, and the chance to just stop and chill for the first time in 3 days is very welcome. Although I just put up a plaintive, "At loose ends in Toronto, anyone want to grab a drink?" on my FaceBook status, I think staying in and recharging is a better idea.

Especially since there appears to be a bottle of sake in the fridge that needs sampling. Mmm.

More thoughts on CanFitPro and the fitness industry later, once my brain regroups.