Izzy's sick... maybe from her H1N1 booster yesterday, or maybe because we were at a kid's birthday party on Saturday that someone brought their feverish child to. Or maybe just because she's in daycare, which is essentially a petri dish. Whatever it is, it is killing me to see her dealing with a fever for the first time ever.

Of course, we also have the added worry when she has a fever that it may be a UTI (due to her kidney issue, she has a higher liklihood of getting them), in which case we are supposed to be rushing her to the hospital.

Aargh. I know it's not rational or reasonable, but there is a part of me that believes that I should be able to prevent her from being sick. I know she needs to get catch bugs... I just can't fight the feeling that I have somehow failed as her parent.

This face should not ever have to deal with sick.

How Twilight Works.

Is it wrong that I really wanna see the one that just came out, New Moon I think it's called? I plan on consuming some adult-type beverages before and during and mocking it thoroughly. Oh yes.

I love this pic. :)

I haven't been posting much of late, 'cuz I've been just a little bit busy, but I feel like I want to mark this moment in time. Because that is such a better idea than sleeping, right? Right.

To say that I've been a bit overwhelmed would be an understatement. I can't count the number of times I've gotten to the end of a day, taken a deep breath and said, "Made it through another one. Doing it all over again tomorrow." The sheer administration involved in having two babies is just... mind boggling.

Of course, having two babies has also coincided with B working on the recent Coquitlam-New West by-election, which means I haven't had a ton of help from him, and goddamn was that not good timing at all.

I've been saved by the fact that I have daycare, and a really amazing mother. Most mornings I pack Iz off to daycare, where she promptly forgets about the fact that I exist and runs straight to the slide and tries to kill herself multiple times. I run home, and deal with Corbin's needs at that point -- feeding him (he eats constantly), changing him (he also spits up constantly) and whatnot. Then I work until 3-ish or so, at which point I miss Iz too much and go pick her up. She's usually just waking up from her nap at this point. When B hasn't been home, which was pretty much every night during the election, my mom has been coming over and saving my life. It's because of her that I've been able to do grocery shopping, eat, nap and maintain some semblence of sanity. On weekends she's been coming over around 10 or 11 in the morning and staying until Iz goes to bed at 7 or 8.

However *big sigh* the by-election is now over, and even in the few days that B has been home it's made a huge difference. I'm also glad that Iz is seeing more of her daddy.

As for how I'm feeling... I'm not even sure how to describe it. I am most definitely desperately in love with my children in a way I can't even explain. Iz amazes me every single day with how much she's learning and developing. I can't get enough of her. And Corbin... oh man. He is this beautiful, perfect little baby, and I am constantly marvelling over something new about him. At the same time, though, this life right now is tough, and it is wearing on me. The lack of freedom is difficult, and the fact that I really need help just to hang out alone in my house is really hard to handle for me. B went to the Liberal convention in Whistler last weekend, and normally I would have looked forward to the weekend by myself. Instead, the whole thing loomed ahead of me and seemed sort of terrifying. (It was fine, btw -- my mom came and spent the weekend and helped me.) The fact that time alone has suddenly become a hurdle to overcome instead of something I look forward to is not good -- if for no other reason than that I have very few things that I look forward to now. I don't like the feeling that I'm just coping instead of enjoying life.

I keep telling myself it will get easier, and I know it will. I'd just like it to hurry up and get easier. :)

There are small things that help though. Even just going to the grocery store today without a baby with me helped. Taking time to watch a movie that's not some stupid mainstream blockbuster helps. I dream about travelling, even though I know it's not in my immediate future, and that helps. Every little baby free moment that I can carve out for myself is a small victory.

I think the saying "one day at a time" was invented for times like these. :)

I had never heard of the "Christian side hug" before today.

I'm assuming that group has to be some sort of parody group, right? Right?

Watched Vera Drake yesterday.

Y'know, it's not like I was expecting a movie about an abortionist to be this wacky screwball comedy or anything, but DAMN... That was just seriously depressing. Would an inspirational speech or something have killed them?

I'll let you guess which one we consider to be the high maintenance one right now.

It's the little things about having kids that really crack me up -- in this case, Izzy's tongue.

She walks now.

Proud? Me? Nah.



The vid cuts off right before she falls on her butt. :)

In all the madness around Corbin's birth, I've neglected Izzy's one year vaccinations until now. I've got to get them done soon, but am seriously waffling on the chicken pox vaccine.

I mean, I had chicken pox, as did practically everyone I know, and survived it just fine. And of course, now there's the argument that since kids are all getting vaccinated for it, you're less likely to get it, which means possibly getting it later in life which is more serious.

Internet mommies? What did you do, and why?

But I'm a bit worried about what happens when the dog's paws get underneath it...



Stolen from Teeny Manolo.

I had my second to last midwives appointment earlier this week. My midwife has been sick and so I've seen multiple replacement midwives. The replacement midwife this time? SOMEONE I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH.

Don't get me wrong -- nothing against her. She was a nice enough girl in high school and seems to be a nice enough woman now. But... you know. I really don't need to be having conversations about my vagina with old schoolmates. Really, I don't.

This is why the Valley makes me claustrophopic, people.

Iz's Halloween outfit. I'm referring to it as her "Angsty Goth Teenager" costume.



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I miss Vancouver a ton tonight.

Corbin is hanging out on my boob... sucking 5 times, then sleeping for 30 seconds, then sucking 5 times... this has been going on for like 20-30 minutes. If I try to take him off, he wakes all the way up and cries.

This is getting way old.

There's a cupboard in the kitchen that we haven't babyproofed yet, but we really need to. 'Cuz Iz loves to open it and start pulling things out... things like a jar of honey, a container of balsamic vinegar... you know, the stuff you really don't want your toddler messing with.

So I've been telling her NO very firmly, putting the stuff back and closing the cupboard door. At which point she would usually just open it again and start pulling stuff out. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Last week, however, she listened. She actually put the jar of balsamic vinegar back, and closed the cupboard. Naturally, I freaked out, made a huge deal out of it and high-fived her.

So what did she do? Very carefully opened the cupboard door while looking at me, closed it again, and gave me a HUGE smile and held out her hand for her high-five.

Yeah, she's not dumb, this one.

Yesterday I was cooking her breakfast, and out of the corner of my eye I saw her going for the cupboard. I figured I would pretend I saw nothing until she was actually pulling out the forbidden objects, then tell her No. So I started counting down in my head how long it would take her to get the cupboard open, and when I figured she was about 5 seconds away from a Honey shampoo, I turned and looked to see...

Iz standing with her hands against the shut cupboard door, beaming from ear to ear, hand outstretched for her high-five.

I seriously love this kid so much.

So, since bringing Corbin home Iz has decided the time is ripe to try out the power of tantrums. Not a lot, but she has chosen one or two occasions to act like a full-on toddler, and holy crap is that not fun.

The big one was the other night, when she was exhausted but totally refusing to go to bed. I stood my ground and didn't cave, and eventually she crashed, probably out of pure exhaustion.

And you know, it was interesting. My reaction was not at all what I was expecting. I figured when it happened I would be pissed, impatient, maybe even intolerant. I did not expect to feel hurt.

It's not rational at all, but there was this part of me that felt completely rejected and sad. Like... "my daughter hates me." And the thing is, she probably kind of *did* hate me in that moment, and on a rational level I'm totally okay with that. It's not gonna be the last time, that's for sure. On an emotional level? Well, stick that knife in a little further and give it a twist, why doncha? It felt pretty shitty, and I felt kind of like a bad mom, even though I know that is totally not true.

On the other hand, she woke up the next morning happy and smiling and apparently still loving me, so yay for babies with short attention spans.

Sure gives me an interesting perspective on every crappy thing I've ever said or done to my parents though. Oi.

A few minutes ago, my husband hit on me, possibly because I am rocking an incredible sexy new mama vibe.

I looked at him and said, "You DO realize that I had a baby two weeks ago, right?"

The look on B's face was priceless. Total shock and awe. "That was only two weeks ago??"

"Two weeks and two days, to be exact."

I honestly can't believe that Corbin isn't even supposed to be born yet. So utterly bizarre.

Pics of my baby boy. :)

Dear Isabeau,

A week and a half ago, you turned one. A whole year, it's a YEAR I've known you now. It's impossible. Just like it's impossible you were ever not a part of my life.

Stuff has happened in your development in the last month that blows my mind. Your baby dutch suddenly has far more syllable sounds, and you've begun to sound a bit like you're talking your own language, instead of random gibberish. You've begun to shape match, you're definitely more opinionated, and do we even need to talk about the sudden appearance of temper tantrums? No, let's not. Intead, I'd rather focus on what happened today.

Grandma was here, as she tends to be a lot these days, and you were standing a foot or two away from her holding on to the coffee table. And you looked at her with this appraising look in your eye, lifted your hands off the coffee table and took three solid, perfect steps towards her. And then looked at us all with a bemused and slightly superior look in your eye while we all lost our collective shit.



You are officially a toddler, Iz. And I guess the parents are supposed to anticipate these years with fear and trepidation, but I am honestly so damn excited to see what happens next for you.



This letter wouldn't be complete without talking about the biggest step for all of us, Izzy... the birth of your brother Corbin. He rolled in three weeks early, and two days before your first birthday, thus usurping the birthday party we had planned for you and doubtless sewing the seeds for a lifetime of resentment.

I know you two are gonna fight, as siblings do, and have all kinds of adventures together. My hope is that you guys are going to be best friends, Iz, and so there's some things I want you to know.

The night we brought Corbin home, you didn't seem too interested. You looked at him a little, tried to poke his eyes out once or twice, and then went back to your toys. The next morning, however, was a different story. You sleep between us, and that night Corbin slept on the floor beside our bed in a bassinet. You woke up, and immediately stood up and braced your hands on my body, peering over as far as you could to investigate this strange new creature. You looked him over very carefully, and then? Your face burst into the biggest, goofiest smile ever. It was amazing. And I suddenly felt completely certain that you two were going to get along just fine.

And that night, you smacked him in the head with your open hand. But I'm 75% certain it was done with love.





Love,
Mama